I’ve been away, I’ve been some place else, In an odd place of re-adjustment, taking time to assimilate changes, but still I’ve found I missed my blog, I’ve missed other people’s, so I’ve come back. I almost knew I would, even when I felt I couldn’t, but it has called me more and more. It’s good to re-connect, it feels right and I can breathe again, in my small space, my own place of expression and exploration, even if it’s only talking to myself.
I’m sad to find that one of my favourite bloggers has gone, he inspired me so much. I hope one day he might return, but until he does his blog is still up, so if you have never been to Crows Head Soup, go and have a read, his posts are amazing, he has a way with words and expresses his views so strongly, so beautifully.
Connecting and sharing is important to me. In this world that seems to be spinning seriously out of control, it’s good to keep rooted in things that make life tolerable, that are worth fighting for. Even in the darkest times the things that truly matter most, still matter. It might be harder, but they never go away. It might be hopeless, but you still care and can’t just give up. These things just will not let you be, even in the most desperate of times. As I write this I am listening to a recording of nature sounds, there’s wolves, loons, rain, rivers, and it stirs the wildness within me, the feral that longs to be free, to create, inspire and protect and the connection I feel to all animals and nature. To create, to delve the depths of imagination, of possibilities, of other ways of being. These sounds inspire me, connect me and I think about all that stretches around us, all we are part of, from the closest personal moments, to this wilderness I will probably never touch, but it matters anyway. I need to know the wolves are there, that somewhere it’s raining in a deep secret forest and a bird is calling, I need that. I am that. Even as I wander the concrete jungle, I carry these things with me and there is always something reaching out, trying to communicate. In the eyes of the stray, all his aloneness staring back, open to me, willing to be known, letting me have a glimpse just for a moment of something other and yet something shared. A silent communication amidst the chaos. A timeless moment opens.
I want to do this because it is somewhere I can be me, that I can express all these things, connect. Again and again I seek knowledge and comfort in the things that I’m passionate about and can never be taken away, even in the worst times – words, my own and other people’s; art, my own and other people’s, and of course animals, my consuming love. Animals and nature give me so much more than I can ever give back. This blog helps me express that, share that and connect with people who feel the same, or who don’t, but are willing to stop and think for a few minutes, I don’t think any other justification necessary…… I may be random and unpredictable in my posts, but I still think about them and care about them, I think about other people’s that resonate with me and still care about them. This world seems so obsessed with surface, with incessantly updating itself, and looking good, so that we are made to feel rushed, frantic, pressured, always chasing our tail, but I am still doing and being, even if I don’t post as often as I’d like to, we can only do what we can with the time we have, everyone’s different. I’m inspired, intense, but things just get in the way, life’s like that. Things get in the way and you just have to accept that and steal the moments you can to make the most of what you care about. Or you’ll never do anything. I find my way back here after strange, sad times but these things endure, they are me and also more than me.
Grief is born with your first loss, it comes and lives inside you, and is part of you and you are forever changed, it never leaves, it is yours. Sometimes it just sleeps quietly, deep inside, but loss wakes it up each time and it becomes you, until it is able to recede once more, slip back into the shadows and rest again; it never dies, it changes you with its presence, it shifts who you are. It teaches you many things, hard things, things that take years to assimilate, and each is its own being, unique to its person. You must make room for it for once it is born, it is yours to keep. Grief is eternal, but so is love.
Make the most of the things you care about. You know the basic truths of life, you don’t need anyone else to dictate to you. Listen to your own heart. Act on it. Be it.
Just thought this might make you smile. This is Ella, I wrote about her before, in another post, I found her in a very bad way. This is Ella now, she completely recovered and has a lovely new home with another cat that has become her best friend and is very, very happy….ahh……nice!!!!