Life goes on. That’s what they say, and of course it’s true, it goes on despite us, despite everything, despite the worst things, even when we don’t want it to, even when it feels wrong, all wrong. Life is, and even when I feel cast adrift, knowing life will never be the same again, things still manage to touch me, affect me, despite myself. There is something that still has a power to breakthrough, even at the hardest times, even when I want to not care, not act, something whispers at me, peers at me from under the covers, nudges me and keeps on and won’t stop.
This has become more and more apparent to me, as life has gone on, as each new turning point and milestone is touched. Each time the thing you thought you could never face, never survive , happens, and the world is forever altered, still there is something beyond it. Even through the pain, the disbelief and inability to comprehend the loss, the shift in life, this otherness hangs on, stubbornly , raggedly even, but still enduring, still defying, still fighting.
Coming round again, the cycles of a life, each life has it’s own turnings. I’m coming round again, a few more dark circles, more lines in my face, a few more million tears, another readjustment, but still there remains the hooks and roots, the stuff that won’t let me go, that is stronger than me and buried somewhere down deep. I am changed and yet still the same, as I ever was, only more refined, more intense, clearer; stuff falls away with each new challenge, the unimportant, the false, the inauthentic, the refining process, sifting out the distractions, the compromises, the stuff we let contaminate our vision. Waking up to the real, accepting what and who you are. Seeing the reasons you’re still here and why it matters. Shaking any pretence, any restraint, allowing myself to evolve with this process, even when it means going through painfully, moment by moment, letting the heart find its way, because it speaks, it knows.
It would be easy to give in, just give up, the world is a hard place, growing harder by the day, full of wrongness, full of injustice and horror of every kind, full of destruction, corruption, self-interest, manipulation and control and at times when you are hurting, even more than usual, it would be easy to just think why bother, what’s the point?? You could choose to turn away, to not know, to ignore everything but I can’t live like that, something won’t let me. It’s hard but the questions keep coming and the wondering about the world; life, freedom, meaning, what it means to be here, to exist, to be in this life at this particular time; why there is so much evil in the world, why it has all gone wrong, why bad things happen to innocents, what I can do, if anything, to make a difference, what truly matters. And of course you could go mad thinking about it all but still there is a part of me that will not relent completely. Even though I can’t change these things and it hurts like hell knowing about them all, even though life is unfair and full of suffering, to the point of raging frustration, I still need to know and ask why, and challenge, and express how I feel about it all. To me, life is not just about myself, I am part of everything, we are all part of everything and everything we do affects the world in some way, however small, we are ripples in a vast ocean of being.
We all love and lose and hurt. Life is tough, but there is always something to carry on for, something to make being part of all this chaos endurable. I fail a lot of the time, I am challenged constantly and I struggle and the frustration is intense, but you can only try, only survive the best way you can and keep on keeping on, even when the nightmare things happen, because the world is full of nightmares and there are always more to come, but the more you face the less scared you get. And the good things mean more and the dark stuff shows you that the good stuff isn’t always what you thought it was. You learn ways to survive by finding things you cannot lose. Your life is your own but are part of everything . Sometimes it can all be overwhelming but you just keep breathing, raging, loving, searching, questioning, challenging, connecting, expressing, because life goes on, even when it stops.